When Is My Fetish Unhealthy?

Basic Instinct. Eyes Wide Shut. Fifty Shades of Gray. These films, while not considered pornographic by most, are just a few of the thousands of films in which fetishism and BDSM play a prominent role in the storyline. 

But fetishism is not fiction. What was once thought to be shameful, deviant sexual behavior has become culturally acceptable. There are foot fetishes and food fetishes, and fetishes involving places, textures, and even sounds. And you don’t have to be into pornography to find them.

Derived from the Portuguese word feitiço, fetish means “obsessive fascination.” By definition, fetishism falls outside what is considered normal sexuality, but does it mean that all fetishes — sexual or not — are unhealthy?

In this blog post, we’ll explore what fetishes really are, how they show up, and what it means for them to be healthy or unhealthy. This post also includes insight from Dr. Erica Sarr, a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) and former Executive Director of Gentle Path at The Meadows.

What Is Considered a Fetish?

A fetish is a specific sexual focus, attraction, or arousal tied to an object, body part, material, or situation that isn’t typically sexual on its own. In other words, it’s when something outside of the usual sexual context becomes a key source of excitement or plays an essential role in someone’s arousal.

Clinically, the term “fetish” is often used to describe two things:

1. A Sexual Interest

Many people have preferences or interests that fall under the broad umbrella of fetishes. These are common, harmless, and only considered a fetish when they consistently enhance or shape a person’s sexual experience.

Examples include:

Specific materials (leather, latex) Certain body parts (feet, hair, hands) Particular objects or items of clothing

2. A Fetishistic Disorder (Only in Certain Cases)

A fetish becomes a disorder only when it causes significant distress, interferes with daily functioning, or involves nonconsenting individuals. In these cases, a mental health professional may diagnose it as a fetishistic disorder under the DSM-5.

This step is only taken when:

The person feels distressed by their fetish The fetish replaces or blocks healthy sexual functioning The fetish leads to behaviors that cause harm or violate consent

Are Fetishes Bad or Unhealthy?

It’s completely normal for people to wonder whether their sexual interests are “normal,” especially when those interests involve a specific object, body part, sound, or texture. Curiosity about your own desires doesn’t mean anything is wrong — it simply means you’re trying to understand yourself better.

Fantasies vs. Fetishes

A lot of confusion comes from mixing up fantasies and fetishes. Fantasies are common and often playful. Wanting your partner to dress up, act out a role, or explore something imaginative together is usually harmless when both people are comfortable. These kinds of fantasies don’t automatically count as fetishes, and enjoying them doesn’t mean anything is unhealthy.

When a Fetish Is Harmless

A fetish, on its own, isn’t bad or dangerous. Many people have sexual preferences or focuses that fall under the umbrella of fetishes, and most are harmless when explored with consent and mutual interest. They can be part of a healthy, fulfilling sex life when both partners feel safe and respected.

When a Fetish Becomes Unhealthy

A fetish only becomes a concern when it causes significant distress, interferes with relationships or daily functioning, or involves behavior that isn’t consensual. In these situations, the issue isn’t the desire itself but the impact it has on someone’s wellbeing, comfort, or ability to maintain healthy boundaries.

“If it involves non-consenting people, if it involves assaulting people, if it involves lying to people so that they don’t have informed consent, if it involves harming yourself or other people … then we have to have a really serious discussion about what comes next and containing that behavior,” says Dr. Sarr.

What Matters Most

In general, fetishes are not inherently a problem. Consent, communication, and emotional safety are what determine whether a sexual interest is healthy. If those pieces are in place, a fetish can be a normal and manageable part of someone’s sexuality.

Why Treatment for Unhealthy Fetishes Matters

Containing sexual behavior that is out of control or impacting your ability to have healthy sexual relationships matters. Why? Because it’s not only destructive, but it is rooted in pain.

Out-of-Control Sexual Behavior Comes From Internal Pain

Sex addiction isn’t about sex itself. For most people, the compulsive behavior is tied to something underneath — unresolved trauma, loneliness, depression, shame, or another mental health struggle that hasn’t been addressed. Sex becomes a way to escape, numb out, or find temporary relief, even though it creates more pain in the long run.

“I’ve met people who identified as sex addicts, who had thousands of partners, and [other] sex addicts who had never had sex before,” says Dr. Sarr. “It’s really about the internal compulsive process and using sex as a medication in a way that leads to shame, pain, isolation, degradation of self, degradation of others. 

“I don’t meet people who identify as sex addicts who are happy about their romantic and sexual lives. They’re stricken, compulsive, frightened, angry, unsatisfied. And that’s what we’re working on, on that pain.”

Treatment Helps You Understand the Root of the Struggle

The goal of treatment is not to break you down, but to help you build a road map to healthy sexuality. “Let’s look at this disease of intimacy and find out where you didn’t get what you needed … when you needed it,” says Dr. Sarr. “And let’s figure out now, as an adult, how you’re going to do that for yourself in a way that’s congruent with your values, that doesn’t harm others, doesn’t harm you.”

Healing Starts When Shame and Secrecy Lift

We know it can be scary to reach out. There’s the fear of being judged for your fetishes, fantasies, or sexual struggles. But at Gentle Path, treatment is not about judgment, it’s about getting to the root of the problem. Dr. Sarr and her staff have seen and heard it all. 

Secrecy, shame, and isolation are the enemies of healthy sexuality. Fortunately, sexual addiction treatment is available. Contact Gentle Path today to find real, lasting recovery and learn more about our programs, including our sexual recovery workshop for men.